How my Wife and I Used 5 Secret Communication Skills (keys) to Improve our Relationship Dynamics and your Therapist may Have not Covered Them. Part 1.
This blog explores how the motive to communication is just as important as the style of communicating in relationships.
To learn more about gaining skills necessary to improve your relationships then click on our 3 module e-course. Hours and hours of wellness skills and therapy tools available with just a click!
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If I were to say, as a therapist myself, one of the biggest problems I see with couples is not communication skills then that might sound taboo or almost blasphemous. However, from my experience, it is true. Traditional communication skills are wonderful and certainly covered in my course on relationships however there is more I cover: the secrets to effective communication that will improve your relationship. It is not what we are communicating on the surface but below the surface. I call these communication keys.
In this blog I cover:
A little bit about my relationship’s communication
A secret from the 5 communication keys
Outward versus Inward processors
A solution to your relationship dynamics
1. A Little Bit About my Relationship’s Communication
My wife will tell this story often to couples that we counsel especially in premarital sessions.
My wife and I grew up in very different family backgrounds when it comes to communication. Sound familiar to anyone and their spouse or partner? My parents, particularly my father, was all about having a family meeting (and they were long). We would talk about problems, attempt to resolve the conflict, and hopefully come to an agreement or understanding of sorts. This was great but had downfalls as we would often overcommunicate to where we lost the point of the conversation in the first place. My wife’s family also had conflict but typically the goal of conflict was different. When we first got married, we would argue and before long hours had passed and it seemed to only intensify with no clear resolution. I was confused by this and couldn’t grasp it and it started to impact our relationship.
2. A Secret From the 5 Communication Keys
Until one day, it clicked that the motive behind communication is sometimes more important than the skill or style itself. I eventually asked her during an argument, “What’s the point of arguing for you?” and she said, “Well.. to win.” I grew up with one sibling, my wife grew up with 3 and they were all extremely close in age. So, as you may be imagining…the culture she was used to was a bit more competitive, especially when it came to arguments. I was viewing them as conversations that needed a resolution (no matter how long or emotionally draining) and she was viewing them as a battle to conquer quickly. When I stopped our argument to ask her what the point of arguing was we realized that our motives were entirely different and because of that we kept having the same frustrating conversations over and over. Now, I’m not saying one of us had the right motive and one of us had the wrong motive but that we both realized that we had learned to communicate differently and that we weren’t even on the same page with WHY we were arguing in the first place. That is one of the secret communication keys that often is not covered when discussing traditional communication skills. It’s all about motive when communicating. If you and your partner are not on board with the same motive then you likely won’t communicate effectively.
3. Outward versus Inward Processors
Another thing we learned with this differing view we had of conflict resolution, hers to win, mine to overcommunicate was that we are different processors. Once we decided that the point of arguing is indeed not to win…my wife would often sit and think and take time to reflect on what she wanted to say. She was an internal processor. Whereas I, coming from a family who had to have a family meeting about almost everything (see, I said there was a downside) would often want to jump on the issue and squash it right then and there. I was an external processor. I would talk out loud and sometimes say things I didn’t mean because that’s how I learned to communicate, very much in the moment. Now I’m not saying one is good and one is bad. They both have their places but we need to know and respect that people process information and communicate differently in this way.
4. A Solution to Your Relationship Dynamics
The wonderful thing is not everyone has to go to years of counseling to resolve relationship problems. Sure there is a time and place, but many times we need to better understand our partner, their view and motive of communication, and gain these keys to improve our relationship. My wife and I’s relationship has improved tremendously because we learned these often secret skills that I would love to share with you. Instead of the hours and expense of therapy, I have designed a special e-course that covers relationships, communication, and so much more! Sign up today and improve your marriage, partnership, or even friendships.
Don’t Go Another Moment without the Keys to Communicate
If you have bought self help books and haven’t found success then this e-course is specially designed from my 15 plus years of clinical experience where I see the issues partners and individuals come to therapy for when it comes to communication. I also have designed the course to be narrated with visuals and a plethora of guided worksheets that you can use to improve your communication and overall relationships. Don’t miss out. If you sign up today then you will also receive our free spiritual course that will give you an in depth perceptive to relationships from a non-clinical lens.